Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Sometimes on rare occasions i feel slighlty bad making fun of people at College. I mean, did they do anything to deserve i really? Its not really a nice thing to be doing is it? And then Aaron comes out with a phrase such as his know legendary "What was Jesus' first name?" and for some reason i quickly forget about feeling bad for mocking them.
Before you know it the summer holidays are over and you have to return to the labours of College/School/menial labour/prision sentence, and the long break becomes a distant memory and you surprisingly slip back into the normal lifestyle of College. Like any good student i prepared well for my return, read the books and done the notes i needed to for English Literature (well i've read half the book....and its best not to mention the notes), I thought hard about what i want to do for my History project and researched information for it (well i watched a James Bond movie last night, and that has something to do with Cold war espionage right?) and made sure i had my backpack neatly packed with new folders carefully arranged for my note taking (....i have a spare piece of paper in my pocket...).
This year we decided to try and make our common room a little more homely as we've all had to drop a subject so have a superlative amount of free periods. We got some nice sticky coat hooks for the walls so we have somewhere to hang our jackets (until someone attempted to steal mine today and in the ruckus to recover it my friend Kathy kindly punched me in the groin, i'm still not sure why...), and we now have a very lovely coconut palm plant tree thingy sat on the window sill and about as tall as a person. Makes you feel like you could be in the Carribean...if the weather complelty changed, we weren't in College, and we were actually in the Carribean, then it would really feel like we were there.
Our History group has now dropped down to all 6 of us, which is nice. In an annoying way because its far more difficult to avoid doing work. Though so far all we seemed to have duscussed is the defrocking of the Pope (hopefully not in public) and how black isn't actually a colour.
After a few weeks of getting his license Jamie decided this would be a good time to crash his car into a small plant. Though "replace decided" with "was in a race down a tight country lane when" and "small plant" into "whopping great hedge into a field". Thankfully no one was hurt, and some amusing pictures were taken of the car in the hedge. A kindly dog owner passing by decided to hell at them, rather then enquire if they were all okay, which seemed to finish of the incident nicely. And Jamies answer to the question of why he crashed "Because my tyre was underinflated" gave everyone a good laugh. Nothing to do with driving at 60mph of course.
Talking fo ridicule, Martin seems to be continually falling into recently (not mentioning the "next time we can steal her underwear" comment that is apparantly taken out of context, although that was the only thing he sayd). After buying a £50 table tennis bat over the weekend (and after much questioning it turns out it wasn't gold plated neither did it have flashing lights on it, so as to why it cost so much is anyones guess) we learnt that on Monday he had been beaten by a 64 year old table tennis player at a tournement of some sort, which many of us found to be hilarious. His continual claims of "but he was really good" didn't really help much.
I'm slighlty worried about Mr Riley (Head of 6th form) apart from the fact he never seems to remember my name and calls me sam (becoming common among many people now, over the past month or 2 i have been called Tim, Rob, Sam and Anthony) as he passed me in the corriodor asking me and Anna if we were ok he stroked my arm. In fact thinking about it, its the second time this week i've been stroked by another male, after an incident of not much room on the common room chairs and being sat far too close to Suzie and Sam as they seemed to pretty much have sex with their clothes on next to me (may be an exaggeration) as Sam went to stroke her he mistakenly stroke my arm instead. Much hilarity and ensued of course, though thinking back i'm not sure it was entirely a mistake. Irresistable to both sexes then it seems? Hopefully not.
Oh yes and apparantly i look like i'm foreign, specifically from Kiev. Which is...interesting.
Hmmm....this post seemed to lack my usual flair and randomness that the other post normally have.
Bazzoomm! Kapoow! I have a magic pet Penguin. Hes called Brian. Fizzleew!
Ah, there we go, much better. Until next time.
*Puff of smoke*
Look i've disappeared with a puff!
Before you know it the summer holidays are over and you have to return to the labours of College/School/menial labour/prision sentence, and the long break becomes a distant memory and you surprisingly slip back into the normal lifestyle of College. Like any good student i prepared well for my return, read the books and done the notes i needed to for English Literature (well i've read half the book....and its best not to mention the notes), I thought hard about what i want to do for my History project and researched information for it (well i watched a James Bond movie last night, and that has something to do with Cold war espionage right?) and made sure i had my backpack neatly packed with new folders carefully arranged for my note taking (....i have a spare piece of paper in my pocket...).
This year we decided to try and make our common room a little more homely as we've all had to drop a subject so have a superlative amount of free periods. We got some nice sticky coat hooks for the walls so we have somewhere to hang our jackets (until someone attempted to steal mine today and in the ruckus to recover it my friend Kathy kindly punched me in the groin, i'm still not sure why...), and we now have a very lovely coconut palm plant tree thingy sat on the window sill and about as tall as a person. Makes you feel like you could be in the Carribean...if the weather complelty changed, we weren't in College, and we were actually in the Carribean, then it would really feel like we were there.
Our History group has now dropped down to all 6 of us, which is nice. In an annoying way because its far more difficult to avoid doing work. Though so far all we seemed to have duscussed is the defrocking of the Pope (hopefully not in public) and how black isn't actually a colour.
After a few weeks of getting his license Jamie decided this would be a good time to crash his car into a small plant. Though "replace decided" with "was in a race down a tight country lane when" and "small plant" into "whopping great hedge into a field". Thankfully no one was hurt, and some amusing pictures were taken of the car in the hedge. A kindly dog owner passing by decided to hell at them, rather then enquire if they were all okay, which seemed to finish of the incident nicely. And Jamies answer to the question of why he crashed "Because my tyre was underinflated" gave everyone a good laugh. Nothing to do with driving at 60mph of course.
Talking fo ridicule, Martin seems to be continually falling into recently (not mentioning the "next time we can steal her underwear" comment that is apparantly taken out of context, although that was the only thing he sayd). After buying a £50 table tennis bat over the weekend (and after much questioning it turns out it wasn't gold plated neither did it have flashing lights on it, so as to why it cost so much is anyones guess) we learnt that on Monday he had been beaten by a 64 year old table tennis player at a tournement of some sort, which many of us found to be hilarious. His continual claims of "but he was really good" didn't really help much.
I'm slighlty worried about Mr Riley (Head of 6th form) apart from the fact he never seems to remember my name and calls me sam (becoming common among many people now, over the past month or 2 i have been called Tim, Rob, Sam and Anthony) as he passed me in the corriodor asking me and Anna if we were ok he stroked my arm. In fact thinking about it, its the second time this week i've been stroked by another male, after an incident of not much room on the common room chairs and being sat far too close to Suzie and Sam as they seemed to pretty much have sex with their clothes on next to me (may be an exaggeration) as Sam went to stroke her he mistakenly stroke my arm instead. Much hilarity and ensued of course, though thinking back i'm not sure it was entirely a mistake. Irresistable to both sexes then it seems? Hopefully not.
Oh yes and apparantly i look like i'm foreign, specifically from Kiev. Which is...interesting.
Hmmm....this post seemed to lack my usual flair and randomness that the other post normally have.
Bazzoomm! Kapoow! I have a magic pet Penguin. Hes called Brian. Fizzleew!
Ah, there we go, much better. Until next time.
*Puff of smoke*
Look i've disappeared with a puff!
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
like some sort of high powered straight from the scene news reporter who jet sets around the globe to bring you the most interesting and exciting news that you need to know right now, such as how is it that spanish poodles fur doesn´t go soggy in water? i bring you this blog update all the way from sunny gran canaria. yes the small island just of the coast of africa,. that is owned by spain, for no apparant reason.
sadly i don´t have long to talk to you as these spanish computeres seem to be a little behind teh times, still powered by steam and the coal i´ve put in will soon run out.
ah yes air travel, how exciting, how imaginitive, the way a large piece of metal manages to stay airborne quite amazing...it also gives you an idea of how a sardine in a tin feels. although i am not a fish, niether was i dead at the time of being on the plane, and as far as i know i wasn´t going to be eatan by someone but thats not the point. it soon became apparant why te tickets for the flight were so cheap as i discovered my seat to be right at the back of the aircraft in the corner, with little room to breath let alone move my head. however i did feel that if there was some sort of crash i was in the safest place at the back, only for this to be soon reconsidered as it meant i was the furthest away from any door to exit, damn.
anyway, it always seems to be the little things that start of a holiday. you know, those little things as you first jump in the swimming pool, go out to a reastaurant, or in our case have an argument over whether were allowed an inflattable bed (or lilo, as the hip youngsters like to call it) in the swimming pool. although my mum wasn´t actually bothered about using a "lilo" she took it as a mater of principal and was soon in the pool with it, so should could start an argument with someone about it.
now of course i fully supported my mum in this, but i felt it was better to sit back and let her handle it, she fumed about it saying the normal things of "how dare they tell me what i can´t do" and "we pay good mone to stay here", my interjection of the phrase "no we don´t we stay here for free cos your parents own it" was surprisingly un appreciated. anyway it seemed to be finally resolved, with the lilo removed from the pool, and mum deciding that she would remove the sgn that said "no lilos" from the wall in the middle of the night. right.....
anyway, my time seems to be running out at this point so i will end it here, with just a quick mention of.
sadly i don´t have long to talk to you as these spanish computeres seem to be a little behind teh times, still powered by steam and the coal i´ve put in will soon run out.
ah yes air travel, how exciting, how imaginitive, the way a large piece of metal manages to stay airborne quite amazing...it also gives you an idea of how a sardine in a tin feels. although i am not a fish, niether was i dead at the time of being on the plane, and as far as i know i wasn´t going to be eatan by someone but thats not the point. it soon became apparant why te tickets for the flight were so cheap as i discovered my seat to be right at the back of the aircraft in the corner, with little room to breath let alone move my head. however i did feel that if there was some sort of crash i was in the safest place at the back, only for this to be soon reconsidered as it meant i was the furthest away from any door to exit, damn.
anyway, it always seems to be the little things that start of a holiday. you know, those little things as you first jump in the swimming pool, go out to a reastaurant, or in our case have an argument over whether were allowed an inflattable bed (or lilo, as the hip youngsters like to call it) in the swimming pool. although my mum wasn´t actually bothered about using a "lilo" she took it as a mater of principal and was soon in the pool with it, so should could start an argument with someone about it.
now of course i fully supported my mum in this, but i felt it was better to sit back and let her handle it, she fumed about it saying the normal things of "how dare they tell me what i can´t do" and "we pay good mone to stay here", my interjection of the phrase "no we don´t we stay here for free cos your parents own it" was surprisingly un appreciated. anyway it seemed to be finally resolved, with the lilo removed from the pool, and mum deciding that she would remove the sgn that said "no lilos" from the wall in the middle of the night. right.....
anyway, my time seems to be running out at this point so i will end it here, with just a quick mention of.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
If an internet diary was a party I would like to think mine is a soirée. A more sophisticated monologue on ones life and musings whilst sipping on a single-malt whisky, in top hat and cane, ergo using a more complex vocabulary and involves no unsightly shenanigans….
Hello and welcome to another edition of “The Adventures of Inspector Super Matt and his funky side kick Disco Penguin”, or as the less knowledgeable call it “Matt’s Diary”. To be honest the latter makes it sound like a fire-side chat with your great-granddad. Who whilst telling you a story involving himself and the Royal family that may have happened 1958 or may have just been a TV programme he saw; would pull out a packet of his favourite sweets (Wuthers Original of course) and hand them down to you with a warm smile…that you soon discover means he wet himself. Or maybe I’m just reading into it too much.
I get the feeling if my blog was any party it would be more of a drunken binge around the roughest pubs in Ireland and when you get drunk you have a knack for telling offensive jokes about tough Irishmen, and to your surprise many a fist comes towards your face at a high velocity. And when you wake up the next morning you discover that the hot Irish girl you thought you had pulled last night, looks a lot like your uncle Bob in the cold, sober light of the morning. (Which you still manage to laugh off...until you realise it is your Uncle Bob)
Which is a bit pants.
Anyway this is just my standard random ramblings, I should probably get to some vague mentioning of what I’ve been up to lately.
Today I was meant to be going ice skating with some friends. Or at least that’s what had been mentioned yesterday. I distinctly remember mentioning that I would be at work all morning so wouldn’t be free until about 1:00. Only to receive a text saying that they’d organised to go ice skating at 11:00AM. Some people would get the impression their trying to tell me something. Hmmm…
The work before I had my AS level exams, which are now over (huzzah!), I was quite proud of myself as I managed to keep of revising for them until the Sunday, the day before my first exam. A section of my time was then dedicated to cramming all of this years education into my head. Which as you can imagine wasn’t a pretty sight. Important facts such as friends PIN numbers were pushed out of my head, needing to be stolen again. I seemed to be able to remember humorous stories involving Catherine the Great and her love of horses, but nothing of James I foreign policy. Which surprisingly didn’t come in handy.
Talking about handy, I had to go into college yesterday (we have a week off) to get a book we need to read for next year (“The Handmaids Tale” fact fans). As I walked through the corridor during lesson changeover I had by butt nipped repeatedly by a girl. She proceeded to do this even when I turned to look at her and asked her “if everything was ok” which obviously it must have been as she continued to. I did what any man would do in a situation like this, and backed away quickly into the nearest classroom. Some people cough*Suzanne*cough seemed to find this hilarious. I was slightly disturbed. But heh, what can I say? I’m a babe magnet. Shame the girl doing it had more relation to pig of same name.
Parties and alcohol, go together like cheese and pickle, mud and more mud, harry and potter. And lots of theses is what I’ve had lately. Two in the weekend just gone. Which is never a bad thing. Although sometimes my slight drunkenness can lead to some strange conversations,
Me: oh tom I’ve got an idea, I’ve got an idea, come here.
Tom (who is sat next to me): what is it matt?
Me: ok I was thinking, I should get a ticket somewhere, a plane ticket.
Tom: okay…for any particular reason?
Me: to prove you wrong cos you wouldn’t believe me when I said it.
Tom: But this is the first I’ve heard of it.
Me: Oh, how convenient.
Tom: I thought you didn’t have any money at the moment anyway, how would you afford it? And you said you’d come with us to Leeds festival.
Me: hold on I did put some thought into this ok. Now I can probably get a cheap ticket to America or something, right. And if not, some of the people at this party look pretty well off I could always “borrow” it fro…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: wait, wait, ok, hold on. Ok then. So I get to America and then all you need to do to survive is twist the truth a little right? First you find a kind old couple…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: hold on there, wait, ok, ok, so you find a rich, kind old coup…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: wait, ok then I’ll change it for you tom. You find a rich, old couple you have earned their money through evil means….
And so on throughout the night. My main problem seems to be a large dip in correct word order, with phrases such as “And it’s a school that you’d only ever wear to shirt!”. But fun none the less.
I’ll stop my verbal diarrhoea at this point and bid you farewell. And although its not late, I need to get to bed, as it seems I need to get up at 5:00 tomorrow morning for work, as they’ve decided to open the restaurant in the hotel extra early. This lack of logic undermines even my own, so I cannot comprehend it. Though I do normally turn up late and they never seem bothered about it. So maybe I should try it again tomorrow morning.
And remember if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Hello and welcome to another edition of “The Adventures of Inspector Super Matt and his funky side kick Disco Penguin”, or as the less knowledgeable call it “Matt’s Diary”. To be honest the latter makes it sound like a fire-side chat with your great-granddad. Who whilst telling you a story involving himself and the Royal family that may have happened 1958 or may have just been a TV programme he saw; would pull out a packet of his favourite sweets (Wuthers Original of course) and hand them down to you with a warm smile…that you soon discover means he wet himself. Or maybe I’m just reading into it too much.
I get the feeling if my blog was any party it would be more of a drunken binge around the roughest pubs in Ireland and when you get drunk you have a knack for telling offensive jokes about tough Irishmen, and to your surprise many a fist comes towards your face at a high velocity. And when you wake up the next morning you discover that the hot Irish girl you thought you had pulled last night, looks a lot like your uncle Bob in the cold, sober light of the morning. (Which you still manage to laugh off...until you realise it is your Uncle Bob)
Which is a bit pants.
Anyway this is just my standard random ramblings, I should probably get to some vague mentioning of what I’ve been up to lately.
Today I was meant to be going ice skating with some friends. Or at least that’s what had been mentioned yesterday. I distinctly remember mentioning that I would be at work all morning so wouldn’t be free until about 1:00. Only to receive a text saying that they’d organised to go ice skating at 11:00AM. Some people would get the impression their trying to tell me something. Hmmm…
The work before I had my AS level exams, which are now over (huzzah!), I was quite proud of myself as I managed to keep of revising for them until the Sunday, the day before my first exam. A section of my time was then dedicated to cramming all of this years education into my head. Which as you can imagine wasn’t a pretty sight. Important facts such as friends PIN numbers were pushed out of my head, needing to be stolen again. I seemed to be able to remember humorous stories involving Catherine the Great and her love of horses, but nothing of James I foreign policy. Which surprisingly didn’t come in handy.
Talking about handy, I had to go into college yesterday (we have a week off) to get a book we need to read for next year (“The Handmaids Tale” fact fans). As I walked through the corridor during lesson changeover I had by butt nipped repeatedly by a girl. She proceeded to do this even when I turned to look at her and asked her “if everything was ok” which obviously it must have been as she continued to. I did what any man would do in a situation like this, and backed away quickly into the nearest classroom. Some people cough*Suzanne*cough seemed to find this hilarious. I was slightly disturbed. But heh, what can I say? I’m a babe magnet. Shame the girl doing it had more relation to pig of same name.
Parties and alcohol, go together like cheese and pickle, mud and more mud, harry and potter. And lots of theses is what I’ve had lately. Two in the weekend just gone. Which is never a bad thing. Although sometimes my slight drunkenness can lead to some strange conversations,
Me: oh tom I’ve got an idea, I’ve got an idea, come here.
Tom (who is sat next to me): what is it matt?
Me: ok I was thinking, I should get a ticket somewhere, a plane ticket.
Tom: okay…for any particular reason?
Me: to prove you wrong cos you wouldn’t believe me when I said it.
Tom: But this is the first I’ve heard of it.
Me: Oh, how convenient.
Tom: I thought you didn’t have any money at the moment anyway, how would you afford it? And you said you’d come with us to Leeds festival.
Me: hold on I did put some thought into this ok. Now I can probably get a cheap ticket to America or something, right. And if not, some of the people at this party look pretty well off I could always “borrow” it fro…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: wait, wait, ok, hold on. Ok then. So I get to America and then all you need to do to survive is twist the truth a little right? First you find a kind old couple…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: hold on there, wait, ok, ok, so you find a rich, kind old coup…
*Tom turns and starts to back away*
Me: wait, ok then I’ll change it for you tom. You find a rich, old couple you have earned their money through evil means….
And so on throughout the night. My main problem seems to be a large dip in correct word order, with phrases such as “And it’s a school that you’d only ever wear to shirt!”. But fun none the less.
I’ll stop my verbal diarrhoea at this point and bid you farewell. And although its not late, I need to get to bed, as it seems I need to get up at 5:00 tomorrow morning for work, as they’ve decided to open the restaurant in the hotel extra early. This lack of logic undermines even my own, so I cannot comprehend it. Though I do normally turn up late and they never seem bothered about it. So maybe I should try it again tomorrow morning.
And remember if at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
yes its me again. Contrary to popular belief i am not dead. I am very much alive and kicking. Well alive anyway, i've got a pain in my leg thats stopping me from moving let alone kicking....but thats besides the point.
Ah yes its 2004. And its been a bit disapointing so far. I mean where are all the flying cars? And robots to do the gardening? pfft. Pathetic i say. I won't be happy till i see R2-D2 cleaning my drains!
Anyway, yes a quick little post to remind you all that i will be makinbg a large post soon. Most likely this weekend so you can all hear off my humerous escapades. Either that or humerous escapades i saw on TV and have claimed as my own. So yes don't despair. ;)
If your missing me that much just say my name 5 times in a row and i magically appear!*
*warning. May be complete and utter bull (plop**)
**we have to censor it incase those fucking little underage tits read it. The bastards.
Ah yes its 2004. And its been a bit disapointing so far. I mean where are all the flying cars? And robots to do the gardening? pfft. Pathetic i say. I won't be happy till i see R2-D2 cleaning my drains!
Anyway, yes a quick little post to remind you all that i will be makinbg a large post soon. Most likely this weekend so you can all hear off my humerous escapades. Either that or humerous escapades i saw on TV and have claimed as my own. So yes don't despair. ;)
If your missing me that much just say my name 5 times in a row and i magically appear!*
*warning. May be complete and utter bull (plop**)
**we have to censor it incase those fucking little underage tits read it. The bastards.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
I’m quite sure I’ve managed to convince several people in 6th form that I am clinically insane. Talking into a straw as if it’s a phone and claiming that I am calling Catholine the catholic help line. Borrowing (read: stealing) numerous objects from the Paris trip including a bed sheet and a plastic no smoking sign. More recently on the English trip to Haworth I borrowed (read: stole) a postcard from the children activity draws (hear more of this amazing feature in a few paragraphs time, if I remember). I ran around a gravestone after we were told by the guide we would see a ghost if we did. I didn’t. But I did get dizzy. My general attitude of telling bad (well I, and a few others, think there good) jokes all the time. And finally just yesterday my claims of Stoke-on-Trent not existing, that Seth green was the bad guy in the original “The Italian Job” film, and my deep philosophical question of “If there’s a blind man in a forest, and a tree falls, does he hear it?”.
I’m a rebel, I’m a mad man, I’m a joker, I’m a gentlemen, and above all I’m damn late with this latest blog update.
Yes, hello, and welcome to another amazing edition of “Matt’s Diary”. Brought to you by the good people of “Catholine” the only Catholic help line you should be confessing to. Terms and conditions applied. First minute is only £2.99, while the remaining are £7.49. Subject to availabilty. No refunds or guarantees that your sins will be cleared by calling, or that you will not die a horrible death if you don’t call.
Okay lets start with a joke that’s always good. Have you heard they’ve had to rename the “Double Bass”? Yep, its seen as politically incorrect, now its called “Conjoined fish”. Ba dum tish! You get it? No? went right over your head? Your planning to complain to the no bad jokes in blogs commmision? Fine, you just do that. The standard out of court settlement at the moment is £25 000. I don’t need you anyway. I have many more loyal fans of the blog, just look around.
*tumbleweed rolls by*
Well, they were all here a second ago…they must be out buying me presents or something…err…yep it’s the good life with a successful blog like my own.
And what do you need for a successful blog? I tell you what you need. You need controversy. Yeah that’s right. And scandal, Controversial scandals. Yep that’s what gets the punters reading. So lets throw a bit into this blog. Hhhhmmmm… Well I once found a map of the desert. Yes, a map that could change to show you any desert. Yes, a magical map. It was later discovered to be a piece of sandpaper. Buts that’s not the point. The point is I had a magic map, they may well have belonged to at some point some person or persons who were committing controversial scandals! Oh yes, how does that grab your attention eh?
On Wednesday I went on a school trip to Howarth to the Bronte parsonage. I won’t go into too much detail though it was quite a good trip. Though sadly my hopes for a Bronte themed theme park weren’t to come true. Oh well you can’t have it all.
However there was near the end of the museum a children’s play chest of draws thingy. Basically it was just some draws with different things in each one. With a bit of information about it. For example one had the type of hats and bonnets they would wear, and you could try them on. Another had some of the toy they would pay with (I found a ye olde yo-yo and proceeded to play with that for a while). One of the draws in had some postcards with pictures of Howarth and the Bronte parsonage on them. After being convinced by Caroline (well that’s my excuse) I decided to borrow one of the postcards as a peace of memorabilia to remember the trip. However don’t worry. There were still lots left for other children to borrow. And in a way I did pay for it, as in the Bronte study I left a 1 Euro cent of the table as payment. You can’t say fairer than that can you?
Yesterday I also got my photo’s developed from the Paris trip. They are a mixture of bad, terrible, blurry, and few good ones and some just plain crap ones. Near the top of the list of brilliant photo’s has to be the “Neapolitan ice cream man” where while in what for some strange reason is described as a “restaurant” (a very loose term). When we got our Neapolitan ice cream desert I decided to draw a face into it with my spoon and take a photo with it. I’m planning to enter it for the Turner prize next year. I feel I’ll win quite easily.
Another photo showing that we really were running out of idea for things to take photos off, was of Caroline taking a photo of me at the same time. It seemed a genius idea beforehand, like sticking a fork in a toaster, but after taking it, it all seemed to go quiet as you realised what you had just done and you can’t really figure out why you did it. Though I suppose that’s not that similar to the toaster analogy as to be honest after sticking your fork in a toaster your going to be anything but quiet.
By the way its now Sunday, however when I wrote this it was Saturday, so if it mentions something I did yesterday, just assume it means 2 days ago.
This issue of “Librarian’s world” was brought to you by “Happy fly” the only Library specific fly swatting electronic device.
And remember, Stoke-on-Trent does not exist. Or does it?
*Queue X-files music and fade to black out*
I’m a rebel, I’m a mad man, I’m a joker, I’m a gentlemen, and above all I’m damn late with this latest blog update.
Yes, hello, and welcome to another amazing edition of “Matt’s Diary”. Brought to you by the good people of “Catholine” the only Catholic help line you should be confessing to. Terms and conditions applied. First minute is only £2.99, while the remaining are £7.49. Subject to availabilty. No refunds or guarantees that your sins will be cleared by calling, or that you will not die a horrible death if you don’t call.
Okay lets start with a joke that’s always good. Have you heard they’ve had to rename the “Double Bass”? Yep, its seen as politically incorrect, now its called “Conjoined fish”. Ba dum tish! You get it? No? went right over your head? Your planning to complain to the no bad jokes in blogs commmision? Fine, you just do that. The standard out of court settlement at the moment is £25 000. I don’t need you anyway. I have many more loyal fans of the blog, just look around.
*tumbleweed rolls by*
Well, they were all here a second ago…they must be out buying me presents or something…err…yep it’s the good life with a successful blog like my own.
And what do you need for a successful blog? I tell you what you need. You need controversy. Yeah that’s right. And scandal, Controversial scandals. Yep that’s what gets the punters reading. So lets throw a bit into this blog. Hhhhmmmm… Well I once found a map of the desert. Yes, a map that could change to show you any desert. Yes, a magical map. It was later discovered to be a piece of sandpaper. Buts that’s not the point. The point is I had a magic map, they may well have belonged to at some point some person or persons who were committing controversial scandals! Oh yes, how does that grab your attention eh?
On Wednesday I went on a school trip to Howarth to the Bronte parsonage. I won’t go into too much detail though it was quite a good trip. Though sadly my hopes for a Bronte themed theme park weren’t to come true. Oh well you can’t have it all.
However there was near the end of the museum a children’s play chest of draws thingy. Basically it was just some draws with different things in each one. With a bit of information about it. For example one had the type of hats and bonnets they would wear, and you could try them on. Another had some of the toy they would pay with (I found a ye olde yo-yo and proceeded to play with that for a while). One of the draws in had some postcards with pictures of Howarth and the Bronte parsonage on them. After being convinced by Caroline (well that’s my excuse) I decided to borrow one of the postcards as a peace of memorabilia to remember the trip. However don’t worry. There were still lots left for other children to borrow. And in a way I did pay for it, as in the Bronte study I left a 1 Euro cent of the table as payment. You can’t say fairer than that can you?
Yesterday I also got my photo’s developed from the Paris trip. They are a mixture of bad, terrible, blurry, and few good ones and some just plain crap ones. Near the top of the list of brilliant photo’s has to be the “Neapolitan ice cream man” where while in what for some strange reason is described as a “restaurant” (a very loose term). When we got our Neapolitan ice cream desert I decided to draw a face into it with my spoon and take a photo with it. I’m planning to enter it for the Turner prize next year. I feel I’ll win quite easily.
Another photo showing that we really were running out of idea for things to take photos off, was of Caroline taking a photo of me at the same time. It seemed a genius idea beforehand, like sticking a fork in a toaster, but after taking it, it all seemed to go quiet as you realised what you had just done and you can’t really figure out why you did it. Though I suppose that’s not that similar to the toaster analogy as to be honest after sticking your fork in a toaster your going to be anything but quiet.
By the way its now Sunday, however when I wrote this it was Saturday, so if it mentions something I did yesterday, just assume it means 2 days ago.
This issue of “Librarian’s world” was brought to you by “Happy fly” the only Library specific fly swatting electronic device.
And remember, Stoke-on-Trent does not exist. Or does it?
*Queue X-files music and fade to black out*
Monday, November 10, 2003
did i say a big blog everynow and again? no i don't think so, i said a blog when i feel like it not necessarily big. Whats that? You've just checked the last blog and i said a big blog? no, no you must have been mistaken, i mean, welll.....LOOK OVER THERE!!
*runs*
*returns*
okay then this was my attempted at covering up the fact that this is not going to be a big blog but just one becuase i felt the need to blog. Short and sweet. Just like me. Except i'm not that short. And i'm not always that sweet either, and i don't really want to be described as sweet...but thats beside the point.
You see after just reading richard's blog i' feeling left out with this french trip. It seems the french students get told the itinerary and what stuff to take etc, while myself? nothing. zip. naught. meh. And why? just becuase i don't take French? I can understand mr. mates being a lazy bugger and can't really be arsed to go and look for me to tell me, but does it really take that much effort to say
"heh, Richard, could you just tell matt about this stuff"
is it really that hard? Unless he did tell Richard, and rich just didn't tell me. On purpose maybe? To get me lost in Paris? Maybe hes in cahhots with mates? the conspiracy grows.
But apart from the lack of information and the fact i have literally bugger all idea whats happening, other than turn up at midnight outside school, i'm looking forward to the trip. Its just a few days to go now and i'm getting excited. will Paris be prepared for the likes of me and the Baines lot? i doubt it.
and the quote of the day goes to matt J even though he stole the joke from me, so really the credit should go to me.
Mrs. Walker: So what was the war of devolution?
Matt: its where the all started turning back into monkeys.
People are always stealing my jokes. the bastards.
Matt's blog. Brought to you whenever the supreme overlord of coolness feels like it.
*runs*
*returns*
okay then this was my attempted at covering up the fact that this is not going to be a big blog but just one becuase i felt the need to blog. Short and sweet. Just like me. Except i'm not that short. And i'm not always that sweet either, and i don't really want to be described as sweet...but thats beside the point.
You see after just reading richard's blog i' feeling left out with this french trip. It seems the french students get told the itinerary and what stuff to take etc, while myself? nothing. zip. naught. meh. And why? just becuase i don't take French? I can understand mr. mates being a lazy bugger and can't really be arsed to go and look for me to tell me, but does it really take that much effort to say
"heh, Richard, could you just tell matt about this stuff"
is it really that hard? Unless he did tell Richard, and rich just didn't tell me. On purpose maybe? To get me lost in Paris? Maybe hes in cahhots with mates? the conspiracy grows.
But apart from the lack of information and the fact i have literally bugger all idea whats happening, other than turn up at midnight outside school, i'm looking forward to the trip. Its just a few days to go now and i'm getting excited. will Paris be prepared for the likes of me and the Baines lot? i doubt it.
and the quote of the day goes to matt J even though he stole the joke from me, so really the credit should go to me.
Mrs. Walker: So what was the war of devolution?
Matt: its where the all started turning back into monkeys.
People are always stealing my jokes. the bastards.
Matt's blog. Brought to you whenever the supreme overlord of coolness feels like it.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
I’ve decided that rather than posting each week, or each day it will be whenever it takes my fancy, which happens to be around about now. I’ve decided that a good way to read it is to read it in tandem with Richards blog at richardwainman.blogspot.com. Which along with being a damn good blog is posted on a daily basis. So you get his version of events daily while you get a big blog by me every now and again.
So anyway, I was thinking what to blog about. I mean its been a long tome since I have and there’s lots to mention. However its hard to remember anything that didn’t happen around 5 minutes ago. But due to some amazing luck I found a draft blog in my folder from some time last week about the movie night party. So hurrah!! Here you go half the blog is made up of a last weeks blog about the week before that.
Talking of last week there was the “night at the movies” party on Tuesday. Mr. Riley’s most recent attempt to make collage “fun”. His favourite, clichéd quote of the year being, “we work hard, we play hard”. To be honest I’d be perfectly happy with just the latter, but it seems, to use a metaphor I just made up, “we won’t get to stay up late if we don’t eat our vegetables”. Wow, look at the wonders of an English language lesson in action.
Anyway I had decided the best plan would be to leave it till the day before the party to get a costume. As I’m sure you’ve figured out from the name, we had to go as a movie character. I final got round to going to the local fancy dress shop and decided on a costume. Final settling on *drum roll* CLINT EASTWOOD! Ta da!
I collected it the next day (Tuesday) and began to prepare for the party. Gun belt. Check. Poncho. Check. Those leather things that go over your jeans that I can’t remember the name of. Check. Neckerchief. Check. And final, cowboy hat. Check.
As I’m sure you can imagine I looked surprisingly cool in my ensemble. In my opinion capturing the essence of Clint Eastwood. True he didn’t wear glasses, but they could be easily explained that I was Clint in his older years, his sight ain’t what it used to be. Before saddling up (saddle, cowboys, Clint Eastwood, get it! No? well I thought it was funny) I put the finishing touches to my costume by chewing on a toothpick, which I managed to chew the whole night, without choking, swallowing it, losing it etc. In fact it was damn addictive.
So I arrived at the party, (which as held in the local night-club) at around 8:30 only to be hounded by paparazzi (i.e. Mr Riley dressed as a photographer and taking photos) and the T.V interviewers. This was Mr. Hindle (I think) acting very enthusiastic as he asked me questions in front of a video camera about my up and coming movies and where my wife was tonight. Yes I played along with it, but I have the worrying feeling that, that video will come back to haunt me. Most likely in the form of an embarrassing video montage shown in assembly. Pity me.
The party lasted until around 1:00 (yes in the morning) and was a damn good shindig (I’ve been trying get that word into this for ages now). Everyone surprisingly turned up in costume, even though many had moaned about not being able to get a costume, and if I could be bothered, or remember, I would give a few examples of what people went as. Instead I’ll leave it to your imaginations. Or read Rich’s blog.
Dancing and alcohol are never a good mix. I avoided one of them, and surprisingly it wasn’t the one I expected. Dancing is not really my thang. I’m no good at it. Now of course when I make a comment like this its where many people (usually girls) say something along the lines of “Hardly anyone here can dance, no one will notice you”. Well that isn’t completely true. I will notice me, and that’s quite an important person in my opinion. But eventually I was convinced to “dance” or as I put it to Caroline “moving with style”.
The no alcohol thingy got to point of me trying to prove to myself that it was quite possible to have a good time without alcohol. It wasn’t much of a discussion more of a “I bet I can” “I bet you can’t” kind of argument. But I won in the end by having a good time devoid of alcohol. Hurrah! Not that I have anything against alcohol or anything.
And there you go. While Rich is suffering from computer crashes and losing all his blogs I mange to find week old ones that didn’t get published. So how about whats happening a bit more up to date.
Well next week I’ll be in Paris. That’s right, the “educational” trip that will be completely devoid of education, that I manage to get on some how even though I take no relevant subject is near.
Now this I am sure will be very good trip. Even though we will be spending around 12 hours on a coach (I’m stocking up on jokes and entertaining stories to entertain the rest of the coach with while were on the journey). I am getting a bit worried as to what I’ll actually do on the trip. I mean the other groups have relevant stuff happening. Work to do and what not, not that I want to do any work or anything, its just that the group may split up at times. So whom do I go with? The geography students? The French students? Or maybe just wonder off on my own?
Either way I’m quite sure I won’t be speaking any French. Firstly I have no idea how I got in top set French. And then got a D in the GCSE’s. But they all speak English anyway in France, and in emergencies I can always go back to the British standard of speaking slowly and loudly e.g.
“DO-YOU-SPEAK-ENGLISH!”
“Yes, I sir what would you like?”
“Well I can’t understand a word he’s saying Richard you’ll have to translate for me”
And I’ll leave you with that for now, and I will blog again. How soon? Who knows. Certainly not me. I will leave you with this,
After Kathy telling me that mike had finally asked her out I was telling her of funny things I may go and say to him.
Me: “ Oh how about, Go out on a date? She though you said would you like to be her mate? Sorry about the mix up”
She will no doubt hit me for this, as she threatened, so who knows if I will ever blog again.
Au Revoir.
So anyway, I was thinking what to blog about. I mean its been a long tome since I have and there’s lots to mention. However its hard to remember anything that didn’t happen around 5 minutes ago. But due to some amazing luck I found a draft blog in my folder from some time last week about the movie night party. So hurrah!! Here you go half the blog is made up of a last weeks blog about the week before that.
Talking of last week there was the “night at the movies” party on Tuesday. Mr. Riley’s most recent attempt to make collage “fun”. His favourite, clichéd quote of the year being, “we work hard, we play hard”. To be honest I’d be perfectly happy with just the latter, but it seems, to use a metaphor I just made up, “we won’t get to stay up late if we don’t eat our vegetables”. Wow, look at the wonders of an English language lesson in action.
Anyway I had decided the best plan would be to leave it till the day before the party to get a costume. As I’m sure you’ve figured out from the name, we had to go as a movie character. I final got round to going to the local fancy dress shop and decided on a costume. Final settling on *drum roll* CLINT EASTWOOD! Ta da!
I collected it the next day (Tuesday) and began to prepare for the party. Gun belt. Check. Poncho. Check. Those leather things that go over your jeans that I can’t remember the name of. Check. Neckerchief. Check. And final, cowboy hat. Check.
As I’m sure you can imagine I looked surprisingly cool in my ensemble. In my opinion capturing the essence of Clint Eastwood. True he didn’t wear glasses, but they could be easily explained that I was Clint in his older years, his sight ain’t what it used to be. Before saddling up (saddle, cowboys, Clint Eastwood, get it! No? well I thought it was funny) I put the finishing touches to my costume by chewing on a toothpick, which I managed to chew the whole night, without choking, swallowing it, losing it etc. In fact it was damn addictive.
So I arrived at the party, (which as held in the local night-club) at around 8:30 only to be hounded by paparazzi (i.e. Mr Riley dressed as a photographer and taking photos) and the T.V interviewers. This was Mr. Hindle (I think) acting very enthusiastic as he asked me questions in front of a video camera about my up and coming movies and where my wife was tonight. Yes I played along with it, but I have the worrying feeling that, that video will come back to haunt me. Most likely in the form of an embarrassing video montage shown in assembly. Pity me.
The party lasted until around 1:00 (yes in the morning) and was a damn good shindig (I’ve been trying get that word into this for ages now). Everyone surprisingly turned up in costume, even though many had moaned about not being able to get a costume, and if I could be bothered, or remember, I would give a few examples of what people went as. Instead I’ll leave it to your imaginations. Or read Rich’s blog.
Dancing and alcohol are never a good mix. I avoided one of them, and surprisingly it wasn’t the one I expected. Dancing is not really my thang. I’m no good at it. Now of course when I make a comment like this its where many people (usually girls) say something along the lines of “Hardly anyone here can dance, no one will notice you”. Well that isn’t completely true. I will notice me, and that’s quite an important person in my opinion. But eventually I was convinced to “dance” or as I put it to Caroline “moving with style”.
The no alcohol thingy got to point of me trying to prove to myself that it was quite possible to have a good time without alcohol. It wasn’t much of a discussion more of a “I bet I can” “I bet you can’t” kind of argument. But I won in the end by having a good time devoid of alcohol. Hurrah! Not that I have anything against alcohol or anything.
And there you go. While Rich is suffering from computer crashes and losing all his blogs I mange to find week old ones that didn’t get published. So how about whats happening a bit more up to date.
Well next week I’ll be in Paris. That’s right, the “educational” trip that will be completely devoid of education, that I manage to get on some how even though I take no relevant subject is near.
Now this I am sure will be very good trip. Even though we will be spending around 12 hours on a coach (I’m stocking up on jokes and entertaining stories to entertain the rest of the coach with while were on the journey). I am getting a bit worried as to what I’ll actually do on the trip. I mean the other groups have relevant stuff happening. Work to do and what not, not that I want to do any work or anything, its just that the group may split up at times. So whom do I go with? The geography students? The French students? Or maybe just wonder off on my own?
Either way I’m quite sure I won’t be speaking any French. Firstly I have no idea how I got in top set French. And then got a D in the GCSE’s. But they all speak English anyway in France, and in emergencies I can always go back to the British standard of speaking slowly and loudly e.g.
“DO-YOU-SPEAK-ENGLISH!”
“Yes, I sir what would you like?”
“Well I can’t understand a word he’s saying Richard you’ll have to translate for me”
And I’ll leave you with that for now, and I will blog again. How soon? Who knows. Certainly not me. I will leave you with this,
After Kathy telling me that mike had finally asked her out I was telling her of funny things I may go and say to him.
Me: “ Oh how about, Go out on a date? She though you said would you like to be her mate? Sorry about the mix up”
She will no doubt hit me for this, as she threatened, so who knows if I will ever blog again.
Au Revoir.
