Sunday, November 30, 2003
I’m quite sure I’ve managed to convince several people in 6th form that I am clinically insane. Talking into a straw as if it’s a phone and claiming that I am calling Catholine the catholic help line. Borrowing (read: stealing) numerous objects from the Paris trip including a bed sheet and a plastic no smoking sign. More recently on the English trip to Haworth I borrowed (read: stole) a postcard from the children activity draws (hear more of this amazing feature in a few paragraphs time, if I remember). I ran around a gravestone after we were told by the guide we would see a ghost if we did. I didn’t. But I did get dizzy. My general attitude of telling bad (well I, and a few others, think there good) jokes all the time. And finally just yesterday my claims of Stoke-on-Trent not existing, that Seth green was the bad guy in the original “The Italian Job” film, and my deep philosophical question of “If there’s a blind man in a forest, and a tree falls, does he hear it?”.
I’m a rebel, I’m a mad man, I’m a joker, I’m a gentlemen, and above all I’m damn late with this latest blog update.
Yes, hello, and welcome to another amazing edition of “Matt’s Diary”. Brought to you by the good people of “Catholine” the only Catholic help line you should be confessing to. Terms and conditions applied. First minute is only £2.99, while the remaining are £7.49. Subject to availabilty. No refunds or guarantees that your sins will be cleared by calling, or that you will not die a horrible death if you don’t call.
Okay lets start with a joke that’s always good. Have you heard they’ve had to rename the “Double Bass”? Yep, its seen as politically incorrect, now its called “Conjoined fish”. Ba dum tish! You get it? No? went right over your head? Your planning to complain to the no bad jokes in blogs commmision? Fine, you just do that. The standard out of court settlement at the moment is £25 000. I don’t need you anyway. I have many more loyal fans of the blog, just look around.
*tumbleweed rolls by*
Well, they were all here a second ago…they must be out buying me presents or something…err…yep it’s the good life with a successful blog like my own.
And what do you need for a successful blog? I tell you what you need. You need controversy. Yeah that’s right. And scandal, Controversial scandals. Yep that’s what gets the punters reading. So lets throw a bit into this blog. Hhhhmmmm… Well I once found a map of the desert. Yes, a map that could change to show you any desert. Yes, a magical map. It was later discovered to be a piece of sandpaper. Buts that’s not the point. The point is I had a magic map, they may well have belonged to at some point some person or persons who were committing controversial scandals! Oh yes, how does that grab your attention eh?
On Wednesday I went on a school trip to Howarth to the Bronte parsonage. I won’t go into too much detail though it was quite a good trip. Though sadly my hopes for a Bronte themed theme park weren’t to come true. Oh well you can’t have it all.
However there was near the end of the museum a children’s play chest of draws thingy. Basically it was just some draws with different things in each one. With a bit of information about it. For example one had the type of hats and bonnets they would wear, and you could try them on. Another had some of the toy they would pay with (I found a ye olde yo-yo and proceeded to play with that for a while). One of the draws in had some postcards with pictures of Howarth and the Bronte parsonage on them. After being convinced by Caroline (well that’s my excuse) I decided to borrow one of the postcards as a peace of memorabilia to remember the trip. However don’t worry. There were still lots left for other children to borrow. And in a way I did pay for it, as in the Bronte study I left a 1 Euro cent of the table as payment. You can’t say fairer than that can you?
Yesterday I also got my photo’s developed from the Paris trip. They are a mixture of bad, terrible, blurry, and few good ones and some just plain crap ones. Near the top of the list of brilliant photo’s has to be the “Neapolitan ice cream man” where while in what for some strange reason is described as a “restaurant” (a very loose term). When we got our Neapolitan ice cream desert I decided to draw a face into it with my spoon and take a photo with it. I’m planning to enter it for the Turner prize next year. I feel I’ll win quite easily.
Another photo showing that we really were running out of idea for things to take photos off, was of Caroline taking a photo of me at the same time. It seemed a genius idea beforehand, like sticking a fork in a toaster, but after taking it, it all seemed to go quiet as you realised what you had just done and you can’t really figure out why you did it. Though I suppose that’s not that similar to the toaster analogy as to be honest after sticking your fork in a toaster your going to be anything but quiet.
By the way its now Sunday, however when I wrote this it was Saturday, so if it mentions something I did yesterday, just assume it means 2 days ago.
This issue of “Librarian’s world” was brought to you by “Happy fly” the only Library specific fly swatting electronic device.
And remember, Stoke-on-Trent does not exist. Or does it?
*Queue X-files music and fade to black out*
I’m a rebel, I’m a mad man, I’m a joker, I’m a gentlemen, and above all I’m damn late with this latest blog update.
Yes, hello, and welcome to another amazing edition of “Matt’s Diary”. Brought to you by the good people of “Catholine” the only Catholic help line you should be confessing to. Terms and conditions applied. First minute is only £2.99, while the remaining are £7.49. Subject to availabilty. No refunds or guarantees that your sins will be cleared by calling, or that you will not die a horrible death if you don’t call.
Okay lets start with a joke that’s always good. Have you heard they’ve had to rename the “Double Bass”? Yep, its seen as politically incorrect, now its called “Conjoined fish”. Ba dum tish! You get it? No? went right over your head? Your planning to complain to the no bad jokes in blogs commmision? Fine, you just do that. The standard out of court settlement at the moment is £25 000. I don’t need you anyway. I have many more loyal fans of the blog, just look around.
*tumbleweed rolls by*
Well, they were all here a second ago…they must be out buying me presents or something…err…yep it’s the good life with a successful blog like my own.
And what do you need for a successful blog? I tell you what you need. You need controversy. Yeah that’s right. And scandal, Controversial scandals. Yep that’s what gets the punters reading. So lets throw a bit into this blog. Hhhhmmmm… Well I once found a map of the desert. Yes, a map that could change to show you any desert. Yes, a magical map. It was later discovered to be a piece of sandpaper. Buts that’s not the point. The point is I had a magic map, they may well have belonged to at some point some person or persons who were committing controversial scandals! Oh yes, how does that grab your attention eh?
On Wednesday I went on a school trip to Howarth to the Bronte parsonage. I won’t go into too much detail though it was quite a good trip. Though sadly my hopes for a Bronte themed theme park weren’t to come true. Oh well you can’t have it all.
However there was near the end of the museum a children’s play chest of draws thingy. Basically it was just some draws with different things in each one. With a bit of information about it. For example one had the type of hats and bonnets they would wear, and you could try them on. Another had some of the toy they would pay with (I found a ye olde yo-yo and proceeded to play with that for a while). One of the draws in had some postcards with pictures of Howarth and the Bronte parsonage on them. After being convinced by Caroline (well that’s my excuse) I decided to borrow one of the postcards as a peace of memorabilia to remember the trip. However don’t worry. There were still lots left for other children to borrow. And in a way I did pay for it, as in the Bronte study I left a 1 Euro cent of the table as payment. You can’t say fairer than that can you?
Yesterday I also got my photo’s developed from the Paris trip. They are a mixture of bad, terrible, blurry, and few good ones and some just plain crap ones. Near the top of the list of brilliant photo’s has to be the “Neapolitan ice cream man” where while in what for some strange reason is described as a “restaurant” (a very loose term). When we got our Neapolitan ice cream desert I decided to draw a face into it with my spoon and take a photo with it. I’m planning to enter it for the Turner prize next year. I feel I’ll win quite easily.
Another photo showing that we really were running out of idea for things to take photos off, was of Caroline taking a photo of me at the same time. It seemed a genius idea beforehand, like sticking a fork in a toaster, but after taking it, it all seemed to go quiet as you realised what you had just done and you can’t really figure out why you did it. Though I suppose that’s not that similar to the toaster analogy as to be honest after sticking your fork in a toaster your going to be anything but quiet.
By the way its now Sunday, however when I wrote this it was Saturday, so if it mentions something I did yesterday, just assume it means 2 days ago.
This issue of “Librarian’s world” was brought to you by “Happy fly” the only Library specific fly swatting electronic device.
And remember, Stoke-on-Trent does not exist. Or does it?
*Queue X-files music and fade to black out*
Monday, November 10, 2003
did i say a big blog everynow and again? no i don't think so, i said a blog when i feel like it not necessarily big. Whats that? You've just checked the last blog and i said a big blog? no, no you must have been mistaken, i mean, welll.....LOOK OVER THERE!!
*runs*
*returns*
okay then this was my attempted at covering up the fact that this is not going to be a big blog but just one becuase i felt the need to blog. Short and sweet. Just like me. Except i'm not that short. And i'm not always that sweet either, and i don't really want to be described as sweet...but thats beside the point.
You see after just reading richard's blog i' feeling left out with this french trip. It seems the french students get told the itinerary and what stuff to take etc, while myself? nothing. zip. naught. meh. And why? just becuase i don't take French? I can understand mr. mates being a lazy bugger and can't really be arsed to go and look for me to tell me, but does it really take that much effort to say
"heh, Richard, could you just tell matt about this stuff"
is it really that hard? Unless he did tell Richard, and rich just didn't tell me. On purpose maybe? To get me lost in Paris? Maybe hes in cahhots with mates? the conspiracy grows.
But apart from the lack of information and the fact i have literally bugger all idea whats happening, other than turn up at midnight outside school, i'm looking forward to the trip. Its just a few days to go now and i'm getting excited. will Paris be prepared for the likes of me and the Baines lot? i doubt it.
and the quote of the day goes to matt J even though he stole the joke from me, so really the credit should go to me.
Mrs. Walker: So what was the war of devolution?
Matt: its where the all started turning back into monkeys.
People are always stealing my jokes. the bastards.
Matt's blog. Brought to you whenever the supreme overlord of coolness feels like it.
*runs*
*returns*
okay then this was my attempted at covering up the fact that this is not going to be a big blog but just one becuase i felt the need to blog. Short and sweet. Just like me. Except i'm not that short. And i'm not always that sweet either, and i don't really want to be described as sweet...but thats beside the point.
You see after just reading richard's blog i' feeling left out with this french trip. It seems the french students get told the itinerary and what stuff to take etc, while myself? nothing. zip. naught. meh. And why? just becuase i don't take French? I can understand mr. mates being a lazy bugger and can't really be arsed to go and look for me to tell me, but does it really take that much effort to say
"heh, Richard, could you just tell matt about this stuff"
is it really that hard? Unless he did tell Richard, and rich just didn't tell me. On purpose maybe? To get me lost in Paris? Maybe hes in cahhots with mates? the conspiracy grows.
But apart from the lack of information and the fact i have literally bugger all idea whats happening, other than turn up at midnight outside school, i'm looking forward to the trip. Its just a few days to go now and i'm getting excited. will Paris be prepared for the likes of me and the Baines lot? i doubt it.
and the quote of the day goes to matt J even though he stole the joke from me, so really the credit should go to me.
Mrs. Walker: So what was the war of devolution?
Matt: its where the all started turning back into monkeys.
People are always stealing my jokes. the bastards.
Matt's blog. Brought to you whenever the supreme overlord of coolness feels like it.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
I’ve decided that rather than posting each week, or each day it will be whenever it takes my fancy, which happens to be around about now. I’ve decided that a good way to read it is to read it in tandem with Richards blog at richardwainman.blogspot.com. Which along with being a damn good blog is posted on a daily basis. So you get his version of events daily while you get a big blog by me every now and again.
So anyway, I was thinking what to blog about. I mean its been a long tome since I have and there’s lots to mention. However its hard to remember anything that didn’t happen around 5 minutes ago. But due to some amazing luck I found a draft blog in my folder from some time last week about the movie night party. So hurrah!! Here you go half the blog is made up of a last weeks blog about the week before that.
Talking of last week there was the “night at the movies” party on Tuesday. Mr. Riley’s most recent attempt to make collage “fun”. His favourite, clichéd quote of the year being, “we work hard, we play hard”. To be honest I’d be perfectly happy with just the latter, but it seems, to use a metaphor I just made up, “we won’t get to stay up late if we don’t eat our vegetables”. Wow, look at the wonders of an English language lesson in action.
Anyway I had decided the best plan would be to leave it till the day before the party to get a costume. As I’m sure you’ve figured out from the name, we had to go as a movie character. I final got round to going to the local fancy dress shop and decided on a costume. Final settling on *drum roll* CLINT EASTWOOD! Ta da!
I collected it the next day (Tuesday) and began to prepare for the party. Gun belt. Check. Poncho. Check. Those leather things that go over your jeans that I can’t remember the name of. Check. Neckerchief. Check. And final, cowboy hat. Check.
As I’m sure you can imagine I looked surprisingly cool in my ensemble. In my opinion capturing the essence of Clint Eastwood. True he didn’t wear glasses, but they could be easily explained that I was Clint in his older years, his sight ain’t what it used to be. Before saddling up (saddle, cowboys, Clint Eastwood, get it! No? well I thought it was funny) I put the finishing touches to my costume by chewing on a toothpick, which I managed to chew the whole night, without choking, swallowing it, losing it etc. In fact it was damn addictive.
So I arrived at the party, (which as held in the local night-club) at around 8:30 only to be hounded by paparazzi (i.e. Mr Riley dressed as a photographer and taking photos) and the T.V interviewers. This was Mr. Hindle (I think) acting very enthusiastic as he asked me questions in front of a video camera about my up and coming movies and where my wife was tonight. Yes I played along with it, but I have the worrying feeling that, that video will come back to haunt me. Most likely in the form of an embarrassing video montage shown in assembly. Pity me.
The party lasted until around 1:00 (yes in the morning) and was a damn good shindig (I’ve been trying get that word into this for ages now). Everyone surprisingly turned up in costume, even though many had moaned about not being able to get a costume, and if I could be bothered, or remember, I would give a few examples of what people went as. Instead I’ll leave it to your imaginations. Or read Rich’s blog.
Dancing and alcohol are never a good mix. I avoided one of them, and surprisingly it wasn’t the one I expected. Dancing is not really my thang. I’m no good at it. Now of course when I make a comment like this its where many people (usually girls) say something along the lines of “Hardly anyone here can dance, no one will notice you”. Well that isn’t completely true. I will notice me, and that’s quite an important person in my opinion. But eventually I was convinced to “dance” or as I put it to Caroline “moving with style”.
The no alcohol thingy got to point of me trying to prove to myself that it was quite possible to have a good time without alcohol. It wasn’t much of a discussion more of a “I bet I can” “I bet you can’t” kind of argument. But I won in the end by having a good time devoid of alcohol. Hurrah! Not that I have anything against alcohol or anything.
And there you go. While Rich is suffering from computer crashes and losing all his blogs I mange to find week old ones that didn’t get published. So how about whats happening a bit more up to date.
Well next week I’ll be in Paris. That’s right, the “educational” trip that will be completely devoid of education, that I manage to get on some how even though I take no relevant subject is near.
Now this I am sure will be very good trip. Even though we will be spending around 12 hours on a coach (I’m stocking up on jokes and entertaining stories to entertain the rest of the coach with while were on the journey). I am getting a bit worried as to what I’ll actually do on the trip. I mean the other groups have relevant stuff happening. Work to do and what not, not that I want to do any work or anything, its just that the group may split up at times. So whom do I go with? The geography students? The French students? Or maybe just wonder off on my own?
Either way I’m quite sure I won’t be speaking any French. Firstly I have no idea how I got in top set French. And then got a D in the GCSE’s. But they all speak English anyway in France, and in emergencies I can always go back to the British standard of speaking slowly and loudly e.g.
“DO-YOU-SPEAK-ENGLISH!”
“Yes, I sir what would you like?”
“Well I can’t understand a word he’s saying Richard you’ll have to translate for me”
And I’ll leave you with that for now, and I will blog again. How soon? Who knows. Certainly not me. I will leave you with this,
After Kathy telling me that mike had finally asked her out I was telling her of funny things I may go and say to him.
Me: “ Oh how about, Go out on a date? She though you said would you like to be her mate? Sorry about the mix up”
She will no doubt hit me for this, as she threatened, so who knows if I will ever blog again.
Au Revoir.
So anyway, I was thinking what to blog about. I mean its been a long tome since I have and there’s lots to mention. However its hard to remember anything that didn’t happen around 5 minutes ago. But due to some amazing luck I found a draft blog in my folder from some time last week about the movie night party. So hurrah!! Here you go half the blog is made up of a last weeks blog about the week before that.
Talking of last week there was the “night at the movies” party on Tuesday. Mr. Riley’s most recent attempt to make collage “fun”. His favourite, clichéd quote of the year being, “we work hard, we play hard”. To be honest I’d be perfectly happy with just the latter, but it seems, to use a metaphor I just made up, “we won’t get to stay up late if we don’t eat our vegetables”. Wow, look at the wonders of an English language lesson in action.
Anyway I had decided the best plan would be to leave it till the day before the party to get a costume. As I’m sure you’ve figured out from the name, we had to go as a movie character. I final got round to going to the local fancy dress shop and decided on a costume. Final settling on *drum roll* CLINT EASTWOOD! Ta da!
I collected it the next day (Tuesday) and began to prepare for the party. Gun belt. Check. Poncho. Check. Those leather things that go over your jeans that I can’t remember the name of. Check. Neckerchief. Check. And final, cowboy hat. Check.
As I’m sure you can imagine I looked surprisingly cool in my ensemble. In my opinion capturing the essence of Clint Eastwood. True he didn’t wear glasses, but they could be easily explained that I was Clint in his older years, his sight ain’t what it used to be. Before saddling up (saddle, cowboys, Clint Eastwood, get it! No? well I thought it was funny) I put the finishing touches to my costume by chewing on a toothpick, which I managed to chew the whole night, without choking, swallowing it, losing it etc. In fact it was damn addictive.
So I arrived at the party, (which as held in the local night-club) at around 8:30 only to be hounded by paparazzi (i.e. Mr Riley dressed as a photographer and taking photos) and the T.V interviewers. This was Mr. Hindle (I think) acting very enthusiastic as he asked me questions in front of a video camera about my up and coming movies and where my wife was tonight. Yes I played along with it, but I have the worrying feeling that, that video will come back to haunt me. Most likely in the form of an embarrassing video montage shown in assembly. Pity me.
The party lasted until around 1:00 (yes in the morning) and was a damn good shindig (I’ve been trying get that word into this for ages now). Everyone surprisingly turned up in costume, even though many had moaned about not being able to get a costume, and if I could be bothered, or remember, I would give a few examples of what people went as. Instead I’ll leave it to your imaginations. Or read Rich’s blog.
Dancing and alcohol are never a good mix. I avoided one of them, and surprisingly it wasn’t the one I expected. Dancing is not really my thang. I’m no good at it. Now of course when I make a comment like this its where many people (usually girls) say something along the lines of “Hardly anyone here can dance, no one will notice you”. Well that isn’t completely true. I will notice me, and that’s quite an important person in my opinion. But eventually I was convinced to “dance” or as I put it to Caroline “moving with style”.
The no alcohol thingy got to point of me trying to prove to myself that it was quite possible to have a good time without alcohol. It wasn’t much of a discussion more of a “I bet I can” “I bet you can’t” kind of argument. But I won in the end by having a good time devoid of alcohol. Hurrah! Not that I have anything against alcohol or anything.
And there you go. While Rich is suffering from computer crashes and losing all his blogs I mange to find week old ones that didn’t get published. So how about whats happening a bit more up to date.
Well next week I’ll be in Paris. That’s right, the “educational” trip that will be completely devoid of education, that I manage to get on some how even though I take no relevant subject is near.
Now this I am sure will be very good trip. Even though we will be spending around 12 hours on a coach (I’m stocking up on jokes and entertaining stories to entertain the rest of the coach with while were on the journey). I am getting a bit worried as to what I’ll actually do on the trip. I mean the other groups have relevant stuff happening. Work to do and what not, not that I want to do any work or anything, its just that the group may split up at times. So whom do I go with? The geography students? The French students? Or maybe just wonder off on my own?
Either way I’m quite sure I won’t be speaking any French. Firstly I have no idea how I got in top set French. And then got a D in the GCSE’s. But they all speak English anyway in France, and in emergencies I can always go back to the British standard of speaking slowly and loudly e.g.
“DO-YOU-SPEAK-ENGLISH!”
“Yes, I sir what would you like?”
“Well I can’t understand a word he’s saying Richard you’ll have to translate for me”
And I’ll leave you with that for now, and I will blog again. How soon? Who knows. Certainly not me. I will leave you with this,
After Kathy telling me that mike had finally asked her out I was telling her of funny things I may go and say to him.
Me: “ Oh how about, Go out on a date? She though you said would you like to be her mate? Sorry about the mix up”
She will no doubt hit me for this, as she threatened, so who knows if I will ever blog again.
Au Revoir.
